I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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