the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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