Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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