so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
