Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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