i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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