It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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