guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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