how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
