We won't sleep together?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
