Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
