it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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