what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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