Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
