Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
