Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
