Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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