I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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