just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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