Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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