She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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