Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
