Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
