Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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