I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
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Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
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He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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