I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
