Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
