i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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