Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out