you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole