so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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