i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.