I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
