In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
