Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
