the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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