running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
