He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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