you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
