On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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