Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
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He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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