I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
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