just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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