1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
