So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
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Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
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Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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