Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This baby is an asshole
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
