i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
