If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
