i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
