When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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