God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
