I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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