I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
