i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
