I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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