Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
