this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
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I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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