remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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