A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
